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by Elizabeth Lyons, author, Ready or Not Here We Come!: The Real Experts' Guide to the First Year With Twins
Find me a mother who can claim (with a straight face) that she has never felt stressed by the length of her to-do list, the mountain of laundry waiting to be done, or the fact that she can't seem to find a moment of silence during the day and I'll be truly amazed. Their reasons may differ, but the result is the same: mothers' stress levels are oftentimes too high to be healthy. There are tried and true methods to bringing these levels down—and they don't require a new line-item on the budget!
Breathe.
It sounds so simple, but truthfully—how slowly and deeply do you breathe when you're in the midst of a stressful situation? I bet if you pay attention the next time you're shoulder-deep in such a circumstance, you'll realize your breathing pattern is more akin to panting away the contractions that got your children here in the first place! Dr. Melissa Stoppler, expert guide for about.stress.com recommends, "Before reacting to the next stressful occurrence, take three deep breaths and release them slowly." If you have time, sit and breathe this way for three to five minutes or more. Imagine that you are breathing the stress right out of your body.
Have a theme song for stressful occasions.
Remember when Ally McBeal was all the rage and her therapist told her she needed a theme song? Well, turns out we all need one! I have several. Which one I choose to sing (sometimes in the grocery store aisles) depends on the situation I am in and my level of desperation. My latest favorites are: my made-up version of "Killing me slowly" (sung to the tune of "Killing me softly," by Roberta Flack), and "Success" by the Weather Girls. I'm also presently addicted to a few of the tracks off the "Bringing Down the House" soundtrack (the movie starring Steve Martin and Queen Latifah).
Be more in the present moment.
Living in the present allows us to momentarily forget about all the things that have to get done in the next week, month, or year. While you are focusing on being in the present, you will naturally shift your overall perspective (and lower your stress). The fact that the laundry is piling up may be annoying and messy—but in a month, let alone a week, it will be long forgotten (and hopefully done). Ask yourself if the issue over which you're feeling stress will matter in a month. If not, breathe and relax about it. It'll get done—probably sooner than you think. If it truly will matter in a month, take time as soon as possible to accomplish the task. Rarely will something be this important, but when it is, it's best to get it out of the way.
Vent.
Ahhhhh, one of my favorites. I can't tell you how often I call my girlfriends, or vice versa, say "hello," and then proceed to go on for five to ten minutes about something that has me in knots. I end this tirade by saying "OK, that's it. Sorry to dump all that on you. Gotta go deal with a meltdown." For some reason, just getting it off of your mind can be all you need to move on to the next challenge.
Get outside for a few minutes.
Fresh air is an amazing healer. You know when it's been winter for seemingly forever and finally, it's a nice enough day that you can open the windows? Is that not the most refreshing feeling in the world? You breathe more deeply, your whole insides feel "fresher." There is a reason for this. According to Dr. Bernell Baldwin, "Fresh air is chemically different than the recirculated indoor air that most Americans breathe. The life-giving oxygen molecule is negatively charged" gives rise to a number of benefits "protection against some of the physical changes linked to anxiety." Whenever your mind feels as though it needs to be cleared out, head outside for a brief walk; your kids will benefit as well. If you would prefer to simply relax alone, sit outside on a porch or in a porch swing in the evening.
Try a repetitive activity such as knitting.
I should note that this approach does not work for me; when stressed, I tend to knit with aggression and practically impale myself with the knitting needle, but I know some people for whom this activity works wonders. One of my friends does cross-stitch to relax. Others scrapbook. My friend's husband even paints baseboards and crown molding (I sure wish they lived closer!). The point is to find something mindless—an activity that can be done while your mind drifts off and gets a well-deserved break.
Go to bed when your kids do.
Mothers are often programmed to jump to work the minute the kids are in bed. Whether it's completing an obligation for a part-time job, working on one's quest to turn passion into profit, or struggling to get the laundry done so you all don't have to go to playgroup in your PJs, we often don't stop until it's technically the next day. Every once in a while, choose to go to bed when your children do. Put on some comfortable PJs, and put on a good TV show or read a good magazine or book that you've been looking forward to. Give your brain (and your muscles) the night off!
Designate one full day each week as the "No Work Day."
To be fair, I have to give credit to my husband for this suggestion. There is so much going on in our home and our lives that if I wanted to, I could do nothing but housework, kid-work, and business-work until the world came to an end. It was suggested that I pick one day a week to consistently do no work of any kind. No business. No cleaning. No yard work. It's not easy to go cold turkey, but I'm making progress. Last Sunday, I checked e-mail only once and my sole project was finishing decorating the boys' room. Truth be told, I felt quite refreshed as I crawled into bed that night!
Become less controlling.
According to Richard Carlson, PhD, author of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff at Work, "The trait of being controlling is highly stressful. "Dr. Carlson cautions against becoming "tied to an imagined image" of the way your life should be. Determine what your definition of acceptable is. Not your neighbor's, not your best friend's. Devise a plan that will allow you to ensure that those things most important to your day-to-day sanity can be accomplished with some level of frequency.
Being a mom is stressful work, there's no doubt about it. But remember your most important audience: your children. According to child psychiatrist and researcher Dr. Roxanne Dryden-Edwards in an interview with Dr. Melissa Stoppler, "Children of stressed parents can also learn the tendency to get stressed out in reaction to life's challenges from their parents." One of our biggest jobs as parents is to raise our children to be happy, healthy, functioning adults. In order to be able to truly expect them to accomplish these goals, we have to set forth the proper example.
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ELIZABETH LYONS is a parenting twins expert, syndicated columnist, freelance writer, and author of the hilarious Ready or Not Here We Come!: The Real Experts' Guide to the First Year With Twins (Finn-Phyllis Press, Inc., 2003) AND Ready or Not . . . There We Go!: The REAL Experts' Guide to the Toddler Years with Twins (Finn-Phyllis Press, Inc., 2006). Elizabeth spent much of her pre-kid, pre-twins career working for Accenture, a major consulting firm. She lives with her husband, David, and their four children (a daughter and twin boys) in the Pheonix area. She consumes vast amounts of chocolate with a vitamin chaser daily. Elizabeth's work has been published in the Chicago Tribune, Parenting, Today's Blue Suit Mom, Pregnancy, Better Homes & Gardens, and numerous websites.
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